Congratulations, you're infertile!
After all the fun of acclimating my innards to Metformin and getting the HSG test, a few months went by of still no BFP. A BFP is a term I learned while TTC, which stands for BIG FAT POSITIVE and trying to conceive. There are lots of fun little abbreviations, and the longer you're TTC for, the more you learn. My OB-GYN informed me it was time to try "fertility enhancing drugs". I thought great, a bottle of pills like my friend got, and I'll have that BFP in no time! I started planning our announcement to our families at Christmas time, and began swiftly brainstorming our obnoxious Christmas card revealing our family to be. My Dr. informed me I'd be taking Letrozole, a breast cancer drug, 5 mg on cycle days 3-7. Two tiny little magical pills. I'd also be giving myself what's called a "trigger shot" to force the little eggies to explode on cue. I'd ALSO need to have several Ultra sounds a month, to make sure there was a response, and no trouble brewing from my little polycystic ovaries. OK, so not so uncomplicated sounding then I see. All I could initially hear at first was that I'd be injecting myself with the trigger shot, called Ovidrel, which was essentially pregnancy hormomes. This shot cost $200 per syringe. It could be cheaper if I mixed everything up myself, but that sounded like more stress, so I'd pay the extra for convenience sake.
All I saw at this point was dollar signs, as our insurance has paid nothing, and we've spent almost $5,000 getting to this point, with still no baby. But I held my head high, as this was sure to work. We agreed to the regimen with timed intercourse. My Dr. said we can try 4-6 rounds of this, then it's off to IVF with you. So casually. Like we have $20,000 in our checking and we'll just write one out for you if this doesn't pan out. I told her IVF was out of the question anytime soon, and left with a dreaded feeling and a $200 dollar syringe full of pregnancy hormones in my lunchbox. I was to come in for an Ultrasound on day 3 of my period or 1-4 to be exact, cause that asshole AF (another TTC term for Aunt Flo, or your period) would always be proceeded by days of inconsistent spotting, and ALWAYS land on a weekend, when it was hard to schedule the appointment around my job because I had to take what I could get. The appointments turned out to be there own kind of hell. I waited in a tiny office with a score of pregnant tweens and happy couples, and at one point had to watch a couple cry with joy at their first Ultrasound pictures of their baby. They shoved it in my face and I said my congrats, eager to see how my own story would unfold soon so I could be that happy couple.
The first Ultrasound was a bit fascinating. Despite the fact that the Ultrasound tech guy with the wand clearly did not have a vagina and treated the wand like a joystick and he was playing Pac-Man, it was kind of neat to see my ovaries on screen. The Dr. told me I had the go ahead to take my pills, then schedule my next ultrasound for cycle day 10-12. The Letrozole wasn't too bad, it made me tired and hot flashy, but tolerable because I'd be a mom so soon I could taste it. I came in on day 10, as of course it was a Friday, to see if I was going to ovulate and how many eggs. This ultrasound was more interesting, because I got to see the egg, which the technician told me was "perfect" at 25 CM and ready to burst, and I thought how amazing it would be to see my baby pre-fertilization. I was full of hope this was my month. They showed me how to give myself the shot, to force the ovulation along, and we were told to have lots of you know what. Basically when you're doing a timed intercourse you don't get to have a life for a few days, as even though crackheads and one-night stands a-plenty pull it off every millisecond, you need to do it down to the minute for any 10% chance increase. The shot made me pretty yucky feeling, but again, tolerable. I felt like it was hard to walk and I had to sit very carefully, because my abdomen felt like it could burst. I felt like throwing up and I essentially slept all afternoon. This makes you feel very sexy, by the way, and by no means takes the spice out of your sex life at all...... The shot of hormones also made enraged at the slightest sound or hair out of place, and after finding out yet another person I knew was pregnant within a week of trying I literally cried all night long and didn't sleep a wink. Fun stuff, for real.
That first TWW (fertility lingo for two-week wait) was so long. I was told not to take a pregnancy test until 14 days post shot for fear of a false positive from the hormones, but I could feel those two lines on the horizon. I took the test, and inconceivably, there was one obvious line staring back at me. I went through my spiel I'd practiced the last year and several months, depression, frustration, anger. My husband, who is also suffering with this tried really hard to cheer me up. He bought me roses, we went out to dinner, slept in late and looked forward to the next month when we'd surely have more luck.
The next month came along, same story at first. Ultrasound, pills, but I had a new Dr. this time for some reason, and she told me I had a 4 hour window to have intercourse to maximize our chances. And this window happened to be at 3 am on on a Friday. Again, picture the crackheads and their infinite fertility. She told me to time the shot to when we could make it happen, so I took it late in the evening. The only great thing this time was that we had 2 follicles! Double the chances, and a chance for maybe twins, an assurance we could finish our family off in one shot! I was just giddy. I took the shot, and this time was another story. I was so uncomfortable I could hardly move the next day. My abdomen swelled up and I looked so pregnant it was like a cruel joke. I had a terrible migraine, and I could barely move or cough without searing pain in my abdomen. But still, I was going to be pregnant this month for sure, the odds were the best they'd ever be! I had the same rage and sadness with the shot again, but I tried so hard to remind myself it was just the hormones. Another even longer TWW ensued, and I was just beside myself with excitement. This time the swollen belly and discomfort didn't go away, and I had a tenderness in my left abdomen that almost sent me to my knees when I sneezed. I took that blasted test, and to my shock, it was negative yet again. I went through it all again, and to most of you reading this you know exactly how that feels, to stare at a single line again. I was losing hope that this was our solution fast, and I really felt like crap from the shot to boot.
I called to schedule yet another ultrasound to start the whole damn thing over yet again. I told the Dr. I felt like crap, and she poo-pooed it (this will be a whole blog post in and of itself) saying most women don't feel much from it, and to stick with it. I left feeling numb, but resolved to keep going forward. We had lots of fun plans that weekend, so I prepared myself for some distractions from the upcoming cycle. My Dr. called when I was about to pick up my prescription, with a somber tone in her voice. She explained that I had a large cyst from the drugs, and I'd need to take a month of birth control pills to remedy it. Cue uncontrollable sobbing. I cried a few minutes, then tried to talk to her about it a bit, I told her birth control pills are really horrible for me to take, but she insisted it was the only way, and I needed to bite the bullet. She sounded so sad, it made me even more upset.I resigned myself, but was devastated that a month of trying would be put on hold, and that I felt so crappy, that pain in my abdomen clearly from the festering cyst. My body would not cooperate, medicine would not cooperate, I was going to die a barren old homesteader with a ton of dogs. Your mind takes you to dark dark places sometimes, and I never knew such feelings could exist. Yes this is a bump in the road, but when it's your road it feels that much bumpier and longer than ever before.
