The Journey Begins...

In May of 2015, my husband and I were coming off the high of a few really great years. I'd finished school a few years prior, and both of our careers were off on the right track. We bought our first house in the country, a home we were smitten with completely. We finally got married in July of 2014, and things just seemed to be falling into place for our adult selves. I've wanted a baby badly since my first niece was born in 2009. I fell in such love with both my nieces, I couldn't imagine or wait to experience the adoration I'd feel for my own baby if I loved these little girls so much. After a few years of saving money and securing ourselves, we decided May 2015 was it, we'd take the plunge. I was so excited, we were finally going to have our own family! I started a secret Pinterest board for all things baby, and we joked back and forth about names, if it'd be a boy or a girl,  how we'd decorate the nursery... We also lamented how we'd never sleep, I'd be SO sick, and how would we pull off daycare? The first months were a hum of excitement and fear. We knew our carefree days were numbered, so we tried to have a lot of kid-free fun, because one the baby came we'd be missing this freedom. When I got my period the first month after we started trying, I was bummed, but I knew it'd be really lucky to have it happen right away (even though it seems to work out that way for sooooo many people that way, not like I've noticed or anything) So I shook it off, and started to scour the internet for information, as we clearly did something wrong. The next month came and passed, and the next one, and the next.

 My research deepened into the world of Basal body temping, fertile CM, sperm-friendly lube, diets, etc. Another month crept by, then another.I got myself some confusing ovulation strips, and was obsessed with peeing on them multiple times a day to read an obscure pink line that was supposed to get a fraction darker, then lighter to confirm ovulation, then we planned accordingly. By month 6, we were frustrated and confused. Though my Dr. assured it takes a "normal healthy couple" up to a year to get pregnant. Well, I have never seen such a scenario (Since everywhere I look there are Honeymoon babies, heavy drinker and smokers turning up pregnant, and all my co-workers talking about starting to try then I hear them whispering they're PREGO!!!!!) but apparently it's the gospel of fertility, so we waited. We set up our year fertility consult, though we figured we wouldn't need it.

Of course a few months later we found ourselves sitting in a sterile office, with a picture of a happy mom from the 80's touting the wonders of breast milk. I tucked Kleenex into every sleeve and pocket for easy access because I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. The waiting room was full of women with children hanging off them in every direction with plump bellies they kept stroking just to spite me. Our Cheerful OB-GYN went over some info with us, asked for samples of fluids from us both, and assured us there was nothing wrong, and statistically speaking we'd be pregnant in no time flat! I distinctly recall her telling us she looked forward to working with us for a "short time" that sunny March day.

My blood work came back with a few hairs out of place. The LH to FSH ratio was off, and my Prolactin was high. She wanted to do an Ultrasound to check out what those ovaries were up too. Sure enough, there was a slew of lovely cysts in there, and I was diagnosed with PCOS. I've heard many a woman's take on this diagnosis and how some reacted with horror, but I was glad they found a reason, and I assumed it would be an easy fix. My friend had it and took a few pills and WALLAH:: baby.

I was to start taking Metformin, usually a drug for diabetes but helps improve ovulation due to the insulin resistance of PCOS. That was hard. The Metformin rocked my guts like a night in college filled with cheap whiskey. I couldn't eat for weeks without being right near a bathroom, and my stomach muscles clenched like they were made of barbed wire if I ate the wrong thing. A few weeks of this and being ready to give up the pills and the side effects subsided. I actually felt better on the Metformin after being so miserable, so surely that baby was just around the corner. I was showing those cysts whose boss. But I had not suffered enough said the universe...

A few months on the Met with no luck and my OB wanted me to do an HSG test, where they do an X-ray dye test of your Uterus and Fallopian Tubes. Now this is another          thing I've read a lot of conflicting levels of comfort depending on the lady. All my info said was to take a Tylenol beforehand, and I took two Aleve just in case. It was scheduled the morning of my Birthday, so a great way to party for sure. I remember chatting with the friendly technician who made me happy I worked in healthcare, because she really made me feel better on a terrible day and I hope I do the same for people . The test was very traumatic. It was totally excruciating, like I almost blacked out and lost control of my bowels pain. When I ask my patients to rate their pain on a scale of 1-10 and they say "Oh, about a 9" then casually flip through the TV guide, I wish I could explain to them what 10/10 feels like in terms of this test. Thankfully it was over fairly quickly. The good news, the eccentric Dr. told me while I still lay quivering on the cold metal table was that my lady bits looked "Great! I don't get to tell people this very often, but everything looks perfect. Now go get pregnant!) The technician explained to me that I had a great increase in my fertility for 3 months thanks to the vaginal pipe cleaner from hell opening things up and cleaning them out, so I should be pregnant in no time! Happy Birthday to me! 

Obviously as you read these words, that was not the case. This blog is a way to help myself, while hoping to help others while I struggle with not being able to get pregnant. Infertility has opened a world of pain, strength, hope and sadness I never knew could exist, and I want to connect with other women and raise awareness for the silent menace that is infertility that affects so many more of us than I ever knew before I started down this lonely road.